The company is now in the process of auditing its results to find out where they went wrong in their methodology.
MOSCOW, Thursday: A Russian scientist has released a study proving that scientific findings are unreliable. The study concluded that most studies are of poor quality, “even ending abruptly without any.”
Critics say the Satellite delivers one of the least-wooden performances Michael Bay has ever directed
WASHINGTON – A dead U.S. spy satellite hurtling through space is expected to hit Earth sometime during the first week of March 2012 says NASA officials. Scientists cannot confirm where it will land and so unfortunately everyone is at risk of an imminent fiery death. Michael Bay is said to be furious, and is suing NASA, saying he came up with this scenario years ago.
Speaking from a bunker in Nevada several miles underground, a spokesperson for NASA said there was absolutely nothing to worry about. He confirmed half of the 2270kg spacecraft will survive the extreme heat of entry into the Earth’s atmosphere and will scatter its debris over several hundred miles.
Speaking through a large face mask, the spokesperson said NASA had no regrets filling the satellite with Hydrazine, a chemical that is fatal to any human or animal within its immediate vicinity.
The US 193 satellite was launched in early 2006, and due to an electrical malfunction was severed from contact with the NASA control room almost immediately after its take off but the space agency has managed to keep the defunct satellite roaming around space until now, while its senior management team made arrangements to exit the planet for a safer haven.
US officials confirmed is a sophisticated secret imaging sensor on board used for spying on enemy bases. As well as other spy technologies, including trick ropes, smoke bombs, complex utility belts, ultra powered binoculars, infrared goggles and fake moustaches.
A spokesperson for the Whitehouse voiced concerns that these state of the art spy devices will fall into the wrong hands.
“The Russian are always out to get their mitts on American technology” said a defence and intelligence expert. “If this satellite lands in enemy terrain – they would acquire top-secret knowledge of US spy technology. Of course, they’d then be incinerated in consequent fire, but still.”
Observers say the best bet is to hope that the satellite lands in the ocean, because putting several tons of deadly chemicals in the ocean is always such a good idea.
Astronomers have confirmed that they will only be able to chart the path of the satellites impact when it enters the Earth’s atmosphere – at approximately the same time as everyone else. At this point it will be 95km from sea level and residents of the crash zone will have only 30 minutes to evacuate. Satellite trackers have said that the spacecraft will begin to burn up, and it’s bright white flames will be visible from the ground, although this will be one of the most spectacular things you’re ever likely to witness, it will also be the last.
Steve Jobs told reporters that the new voice recognition technology is a "whose breadknuckle"
Apple engineers have done a deal with voice recognition software company Nuance, which will allow its popular iPhone to recognise almost 40% of words spoken.
In a statement prepared entirely using the voice recognition software, CEO of Apple, Steve Jobs said “This is the future. No matter what is in that it would be amazing in the main thing we are very shy some reason on earth are out at this year’s brilliant are we going to attend a meeting with them to vote for him to pay a fine until I hit him at least 139 points to close to the state of the dollar goes to sleep in a house burglar are out in an hour that you are the future, I can’t seem to be you of the future.”
Apple shares rose free sense in elephant training.
The U.S debt crisis has been resolved after Apple CEO Steve Jobs announced he will purchase the US government. Jobs has said that as President he will formulate a new model for the country which he promises will be “thinner, more efficient and made entirely in China”.
Jobs plan involves the formation of the “iUS” which will cut spending by discontinuing the most wasteful of States. In a press conference Jobs said that “we are going to cut 31 states, loosen the Bible and Rust Belts and merge the two Dakotas”.
On his native California he announced that it would be renamed as the Gay State of Drugafornia and that Silicon Valley will become the new capital – now known as Silicon Chip Valley to avoid confusion with breast implants.
Jobs was grilled by shocked journalists who asked what would happen to the three central U.S’ tenants of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”. Jobs held up a photo of a deceased Chinese factory worker who is believed to have committed suicide after leaking iPhone prototypes and said that he would “replicate Apple’s reputed life/work balance”
When later questioned about democracy in the new iUS, Jobs responded simply by saying that “he doesn’t do focus groups”.
Critics of Apple say that the decision to buy the United States “is a classic Steve Jobs ego trip” and that it was really sparked by Apple having recently recorded bigger cash reserves than the U.S government – 76.4 billion US dollars, compared with the government’s 73.7 billion.
One insider who wished to remain nameless said that we should expect to see a “ very functional and aesthetically beautiful government that will use your iPhone to record your every movement”.
Speaking frankly, outgoing President Barack Obama, has said that “while it is regrettable I had to sell the U.S it was inevitable in a country that is so obsessed with privatizing everything and not paying for anything”
He said Jobs eventually convinced him of the merits of the plan when he cited that Apple had always promoted equality with both “black and white models” and that he expected a new race of “chrome people” to be in production soon.