Kim Jong-un, the 29-year-old leader of North Korea, has addressed the nation overnight at a military celebration. In a rare moment of vulnerability, Jong-un revealed to reporters that with it being his first speech, he was quite nervous.
“I practiced it constantly — to my dog, to the mirror, in the shower — everywhere!” He added that he was also concerned about how the speech would be received, telling reporters “it would break my heart if people were like, ‘that line was so Hitler’.”
The speech almost went off without a hitch for the dictator, but unfortunately he suffered from some perspiration.
“Oh god, I was sweating so much I smudged my palm cards! It wasn’t meant to be, ‘Let’s go on for our final victory’, it was meant to be, ‘Let’s go on for our first victory’”
But the evil tyrant seems to just be glad it’s all over, relieved by the thought that he can now “get back to the simple stuff, like needlessly starving an entire nation.”
Bob Brown has resigned as leader of the Australian Greens. An unnamed source from the CIA said, “This poses a serious risk to our attempts to destroy the Australian mining industry, hopefully the left-wing media keeps swallowing the lie that the Green movement is actually just trying to protect the environment.”
Professional Watermelon, Mr. Bob Brown
The retiring Senator said, “I am proud to have served my country in federal politics and it is refreshing that the mainstream media is finally writing about me as something other than a deluded, latte-drinking, tree-loving hippie”
“Actually it’s just nice to see my name in the media anywhere.”
One of his more controversial moments came in 2003, when he and former Senator Kerry Nettle were suspended from parliament for protesting the detainment of David Hicks and Mamdouh Habib in Guantanamo Bay during an address by George Bush.
Prime Minister John Howard was rumoured to have said to colleagues, “If only he had floated here on a rickety boat, we could send him to some black hole of a Pacific island.”
He then asked, “Is there any way to make Alan Jones use even more ridiculous hyperbole when he defames this guy?”
George Bush was also apparently confused by the incident asking, “If he is Brown, then who are the Greens?”
Former Australian Prime Minister John Howard, has received an honorary doctorate from Sydney’s Macquarie University.
Howard Insisted On Wearing The Union Jack
Vice-Chancellor Professor Steven Schwartz said, “Whether you agree or disagree with his politics, it is difficult not to agree that John Howard served his country with unflagging commitment. He truly showed the value of persistence in achieving his goals,”
“Especially his persistence in cutting funding to universities, destroying university services with voluntary student unionism and generally advocating a country wide anti-intellectualism.”
Meanwhile, the university staff have responded to criticism that this move debases their intellectual merit by saying, “like every university in Australia we’ve completely sold out, but as opposed to every other which has sold Australia’s future overseas, we’ve done the unprecedented and sold out to one of our own.”
Foreign Minister Senator Bob Carr has declared the war on drugs a failure. The report was written before Carr became a minister, with him saying, “As Foreign Minister I am now less preoccupied with people getting stoned and more concerned with people getting stoned to death abroad.”
The controversial report proposes that drugs, ‘should be decriminalised’ and that police should spend their energies and resources elsewhere.
Australian drug takers agreed, with many people on the street around The Roast office saying, “Decriminalisation and the eventual legalisation of certain substances will be very welcome.”
“We won’t have to talk to drug dealers which is never any fun and more importantly, Ben Cousins wont have to get his fingers dirty every time he boards a plane.”
Drug dealers throughout the country have said the proposal “is dangerous,” an unnamed spokesperson spoke to The Roast and said, “We are worried by the idea of a so-called Bob Carr Cartel.”
“It runs the risk of the Australian government starting a state-owned monopoly that partakes in anti-competitive practices at the expense of the entrepreneur.”
“And also, I’m not really interested in getting a real job, I much prefer acting as a pawn for murderous criminal organisations while surreptitiously acting as an innocent party as a few individuals make millions of dollars off using me as a conduit to indiscriminately deal dangerous substances to anyone who asks for them.”
MELBOURNE—Bob Katter, who recently caused controversy with his widely condemned Anti-Gay advertisement, has now vowed that his party “will eliminate the evil that is degrading family values, known as ‘Madonna’”.
Carl Katter, Bob’s gay half brother who slammed the previous advertisement, has again spoken out publicly. “I get the feeling with this new Anti-Madonna campaign that maybe Bob just doesn’t like me,” Katter remarked solemnly, shrugging his shoulders. “I could tolerate the Anti-Gay campaign because homosexuality clashes with his strong Judaeo-Christian beliefs, but this Anti-Madonna campaign? I know he’s just doing it because she’s my favourite singer.”
The Roast contacted Bob Katter for answers. He did respond, but unfortunately we couldn’t reduce the jumble of words he yelled at us into any sort of discernible statement by deadline. Therefore, his response will not appear in this article.