MELBOURNE—Bob Katter, who recently caused controversy with his widely condemned Anti-Gay advertisement, has now vowed that his party “will eliminate the evil that is degrading family values, known as ‘Madonna’”.
Carl Katter, Bob’s gay half brother who slammed the previous advertisement, has again spoken out publicly. “I get the feeling with this new Anti-Madonna campaign that maybe Bob just doesn’t like me,” Katter remarked solemnly, shrugging his shoulders. “I could tolerate the Anti-Gay campaign because homosexuality clashes with his strong Judaeo-Christian beliefs, but this Anti-Madonna campaign? I know he’s just doing it because she’s my favourite singer.”
The Roast contacted Bob Katter for answers. He did respond, but unfortunately we couldn’t reduce the jumble of words he yelled at us into any sort of discernible statement by deadline. Therefore, his response will not appear in this article.
The U.S Army has developed a sandwich that stays fresh for two years and are looking to develop soldiers that will live long enough to eat them.
"We're Going to Roll the Enemy"
A spokesperson from the army said, “We are hoping to design food stuffs that mean our infantry is able to spend as much time away from base as possible.”
“With all the terrorist attacks on bases and the IEDs close to bases, we expect the death rate to drop dramatically.”
“Suicides on base will also stop being a problem.”
Meanwhile, General Prescott-Baddington III from the Royal Air Force (RAF) says the United Kingdom is unconcerned by America’s ‘War on Rotting’, after they had “developed fried mars bars in the 1950s.”
“This is a food that will never ever go off and will never ever be fully eaten.”
The technology is expected to have other applications in the private sector. Offices will use them in meetings, RSLs will give them to members and Subway will finally be able to sell their two-year-old sandwiches as fresh.
However, a press release from McDonalds says, “while we are impressed by this technology, we would like to remind the world that we developed French fries that have a half-life of 213,000 years.”
A virus has hit Facebook that causes images of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, engaged in violent and graphic sex, to be unknowingly posted on peoples’ walls.
Bieber when contacted by The Roast said, “they definitely aren’t mine,” and that he is “prepared to be tested” to verify the claim.
Bieber Fever. More Infectious Than AIDs.
Meanwhile, Cyrus has sent a statement to The Roast where she says the person in a video engaged in oral sex with an unidentified male, “definitely wasn’t her.”
She however didn’t rule out that it might be Hannah Montana.
In a hastily organised press conference, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, told journalists that he was “saddened to hear of the hack by the internet group Anonymous” and that he would “personally be talking to the CIA about how they should organize retribution.”
Experts believe that the insidious virus, dubbed ‘Bieber fever,’ can be cured by exposing the infected patient with ‘The Beatles,’ ‘The Rolling Stones’ or a 13th Birthday.
MEMPHIS — 92-year-old Roger Green has declared to reporters today that he plans to sue the Big Mama Thornton estate for her hit 1952 song Hound Dog — which was later recorded by Elvis Presley.
Green explained at the press conference, “as I have reflected on the song over the years, I realised that I was certainly much more than just a hound dog. Sure, I snooped around her door from time to time — but I also ran my own plumbing business, thank you very much!”
The Memphis native said he was fine with the song remaining in circulation, but would just appreciate if it could be slightly re-edited.
“The track in its current form is really quite crude. There isn’t much veracity to Thornton’s claim that ‘I ain’t nothing but a hound dog’. Therefore I am asking for the chorus lyrics to be changed from ‘you ain’t nothing but a hound dog’, to the more factually accurate, you ain’t completely like a hound dog, but due to some of your actions — like snooping around my door — you seem do in some ways resemble a hound dog.”
A mildly indignant Green concluded the press conference by advising the Big Mama Thornton estate to “also contemplate posthumously changing Thornton’s stage name to something more truthful, like ‘Obese To The Point Where You Should Consider Medical Assistance Mama Thornton’.”
SYDNEY — In an interview yesterday with The Sunday Telegraph Lara Bingle remarked, “it’s like the healthier I am the bigger I am.” Now the modeling superstar is set to get thousands of Aussies healthier with her new weight gain program, ‘Get Big or Die Trying’.
We can see where the bloody hell you are
“I just think getting a bit flabby can be really good for you,” she told the audience at the program’s launch today.
“Think about the health benefits! I mean, mental health — with this program you can eat away that nagging ‘I should be doing something meaningful with my life’ feeling.”
“And physical health benefits! Because you’ll become more unattractive, you’ll sleep with fewer people — which means fewer STD’s!”
The blonde haired beauty concluded the launch to Oprah-like levels of applause when she put a different spin on her old classic line.
“Now when I ask ‘where the bloody hell are you?’ I want to hear you girls shout ‘in the pantry!’”