Julia Gillard has announced the withdrawal of Australian troops from Afghanistan, a year ahead of schedule. An insider said she wanted “them back from a bloody, vicious and senseless war because they will have a better impression of her than those who’ve witnessed the war in the Labor party.”
NATO Is Angry: "They Should Have Asked For Permission First"
In a candid interview with The Roast, Ms. Gillard said that the war in Afghanistan hadn’t been a failure.”The goal of the Australian forces was to train the Afghan national forces.”
“Yes, there might have been hiccups, such as when they shot 11 soldiers last year, killing 3 Australian soldiers, but they’re strong enough.”
“And if they aren’t strong enough to repel the Taliban when the Taliban inevitably returns, they will at least be numerous enough to act as canon fodder for the Afgani people.”
She also said of the Taliban’s return that, “possession is 9/10s of the lawlessness and it will be the Taliban that possesses the mess in Afghanistan. And better yet, they’ll be possessing our failure.”
On the future of Afghanistan, she “has complete faith in the Karzai regime if it’s able to survive.”
“Yes, he might be said to be corrupt and nepotistic, ensuring his family members have risen to the highest ranks in government by hiding them from proper scrutiny.”
“But we must remember that if he was American, we’d just call him a Bush.”
On our last question about whether the troops had died in vain, she was also confident saying, “no, they died in Oruzgan province.”
Silvio Berlusconi is again under fire in Italy after new allegations have emerged that he paid young women dressed as nuns to strip for him at his ‘bunga bunga’ parties. Berlusconi has said, “They definitely weren’t nuns, they were just underage prostitutes.”
Berlusconi Comes Second To Nuns
The fresh charges may prove disastrous for the former Prime Minister as Italy is a largely Catholic country with a population that is highly sensitive to any offence made against the Church. Berlusconi defended his actions saying, “Jesus dated Mary Magdalene and she was a prostitute, I’m only following his example.”
“Also, if I’m wrong and they were actually nuns, then they were all virgins, well at least when they arrived.”
11 agents from Obama’s secret service detail have been suspended after ordering prostitutes in Colombia and then failing to pay them.
Kennedy Scanning For Street Walkers
An insider at the White House who wished to remain nameless said, “The agents have shown a complete dereliction of duty.”
“Their job since the days of Kennedy, has been to keep a lookout for Presidents while they had sex with prostitutes. Apparently they wanted to relive the glory days.”
He continued by saying, “It also shows a clear break of precedent, with Marilyn Monroe the Secret Service also didn’t pay her but there they ensured she died in suspicious circumstances, making it look like suicide.”
Kim Jong-un, the 29-year-old leader of North Korea, has addressed the nation overnight at a military celebration. In a rare moment of vulnerability, Jong-un revealed to reporters that with it being his first speech, he was quite nervous.
“I practiced it constantly — to my dog, to the mirror, in the shower — everywhere!” He added that he was also concerned about how the speech would be received, telling reporters “it would break my heart if people were like, ‘that line was so Hitler’.”
The speech almost went off without a hitch for the dictator, but unfortunately he suffered from some perspiration.
“Oh god, I was sweating so much I smudged my palm cards! It wasn’t meant to be, ‘Let’s go on for our final victory’, it was meant to be, ‘Let’s go on for our first victory’”
But the evil tyrant seems to just be glad it’s all over, relieved by the thought that he can now “get back to the simple stuff, like needlessly starving an entire nation.”
Bob Brown has resigned as leader of the Australian Greens. An unnamed source from the CIA said, “This poses a serious risk to our attempts to destroy the Australian mining industry, hopefully the left-wing media keeps swallowing the lie that the Green movement is actually just trying to protect the environment.”
Professional Watermelon, Mr. Bob Brown
The retiring Senator said, “I am proud to have served my country in federal politics and it is refreshing that the mainstream media is finally writing about me as something other than a deluded, latte-drinking, tree-loving hippie”
“Actually it’s just nice to see my name in the media anywhere.”
One of his more controversial moments came in 2003, when he and former Senator Kerry Nettle were suspended from parliament for protesting the detainment of David Hicks and Mamdouh Habib in Guantanamo Bay during an address by George Bush.
Prime Minister John Howard was rumoured to have said to colleagues, “If only he had floated here on a rickety boat, we could send him to some black hole of a Pacific island.”
He then asked, “Is there any way to make Alan Jones use even more ridiculous hyperbole when he defames this guy?”
George Bush was also apparently confused by the incident asking, “If he is Brown, then who are the Greens?”