PENNSYLVANIA—Rick Santorum officially declared his campaign for the Republican nomination suspended yesterday.
Speaking in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, Santorum’s speech was influenced by the location, echoing Abraham Lincoln’s historic ‘Gettysburg Address’.
“Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth… unless of course Obama is re-elected, then it will definitely perish,” said an obviously ‘still-in-campaign-mode’ Santorum.
The 53-year-old senator will be remembered for his unusual dress sense, quirky nickname and extreme views that had the potential to completely destroy American society.
Qantas baggage handlers, customs officials and caterers have begun a yearlong campaign of industrial action, causing the Qantas’ stock price to rise 1.5c on the expectation of a better delivery of service.
In a hastily organised press conference, the CEO of Qantas Alan Joyce said, “we don’t foresee much disruption as flights will be scheduled to be delayed as per usual.”
He admitted though that Qantas wouldn’t be able to provide “all the services that our customers have enjoyed for years” “including our invasive bag searches, our world famous fine dining and our bodyboard marijuana shipment service to Bali.”
He was however scathing toward the unions who he says “have organised a concerted attack against our company to try and raise their pay, better their working conditions and get full access to the confiscated items box.”
A spokesperson from the Public Sector Union says “all our demands are nonnegotiable [and] industrial action is an absolute necessity because customers will listen to us once they see what it’s like to go to an airport and see people standing around doing nothing.”
He also said that the “we really are ready to talk but the process is complicated because the Qantas office is based in Malaysia and no-one there seems to speak English.”
The commissioner of the Australian Federal Police says that he “is gravely concerned by the loss of customs officials [and that] our borders are wide open to a planned terrorist fruit attack”. “Taliban tomatoes and Al-Qaeda apples will be flying into Australia unless the unions can put a halt to this irresponsible industrial action.”
Julia Gillard: "it's my party and I'll cry if I want to"
As Julia Gillard turns 50 today with a party to celebrate the milestone, unnamed Labor insiders have been asking, “what the hell does she have to celebrate?”
The Roast obtained exclusive access to the plans for the party that we can reveal is an outdoor soiree with a 21-person guest list. The invites will include her partner Tim Mathieson and “all the tools in the Cabinet”.
A spokesperson for the Prime Minister said she chose an outdoors setting because she, “recently saw Bell Shakespeare’s ‘Julius Caesar’ and she’s scared of being in enclosed spaces with her colleagues”.
For catering Gillard’s spokesperson said that nothing has been ordered because “the chip on Rudd’s shoulder is big enough to feed everyone.”
Organising the seating for the party “has been as impossible as getting reelected”, so Gillard has decided that she would provide no seats – to “just to get Labor ready for the same situation to eventuate in about a year or so”.
Opposition Leader Tony Abbott has come out against the party saying that Gillard “had made firm pre-election promises that she wouldn’t turn 50”, “she has let down the Australian people and she should call an election immediately”.
When asked how it was feasible to stop ageing Abbott responded, “that she should talk to Bronwyn Bishop, because she managed it.”
A casual looking Wayne Swan, nonchalant, sexy, and now... the best in the world
Australian Treasurer Wayne Swan has just won Euromoney’s award as “The Best Finance Minister” in the world.
The award, known internationally as “The goldest of gold stars”, is given annually to the Finance Minister “who has sold the most minerals, at the cheapest rates, for the most immediate gain.”
Euromoney also said that the award is traditionally awarded to “the treasurer who has best kept an unbalanced two-speed economy away from a crushing recession through pure luck”.
“By that measure Australia is doing wonderfully; they make nothing and sell all their gas, iron ore and uranium overseas. They also drill coal seam gas which poisons their groundwater – it is a very exciting time to try and make money without morals”.
“It’s all thanks to Swan!”
In Australia the reaction has been muted, since nobody has any idea what Euromoney is.
Unions are claiming a victory as thousands of teachers marched on State Parliament yesterday. The teachers gathered to protest the O’Farrell government controversial legislation that will limit workers’ annual pay rise to a maximum of 2.5% per annum.
Having done all the working out on a board approved calculator, mathematics teachers are furious and have claimed that the teachers’ pay rise should be directly proportional to (private school excursion funding) multiplied by (lost pencils budget) squared.
English teachers have hyperbolically exclaimed that “there is something rotten in the state of the NSW education system” and have penned their discontent in the form of three extended essays, each completed under 45 minutes. 
Premier Barry O’Farrell dismissed the union action as “pointless” and took the fight up to the protesters in a media conference. O’Farrell has since been put on detention after failing to adhere to the ‘no hat no play’ policy, and has been ordered to write an apology note in either a 2B or 4B pencil without external sources.
O’Farrell is yet to make a statement, but union officials witnessed him sulking in the corner and he later threw their ball over the fence.